This is my guilty lunchtime pleasure: Chatalogical Humor
Archive for the 'humor' Category
10
Feb
09
Tuesdays With Moron
From Carolyn Hax’s online chat today.
The Breakfast Stocking: This isn’t really a holiday horror story, but just a testiment to my parents’ cleverness.
When I was a kid, my family would have big blow out parties on X-mas eve (all the family and extended family would be there). Naturally the adults would get drunk and send the kids off to bed before the raunchy caroling became too raunchy for our ears.
When we (the kids) would wake up on X-mas morning, there would always be a stocking on the pillow next to each of us — filled with breakfast pastries, cereal, fruit and a little note that basically said Santa wasn’t going to stop by the house until noon-ish, and until then, we were to watch TV VERY quietly and feed ourselves from our X-mas stockings. If we woke our parents up, then Santa wouldn’t stop by the house.
Needless to say – we were very quiet… and all of our parents and guests had time to nurse their hangover in peace.
It wasn’t until I was married, and spent my first X-mas with my husband’s family that I realized that the X-mas stocking wasn’t supposed to be filled with breakfast foods…
Carolyn Hax: Brilliant.
02
Dec
08
Getting back to serious business
OK, I’m not sure I was ever writing about anything all that serious, but this post will take a sort of serious tone.
As I’ve moved along in my career I’ve gained new skills and realized, as most people do over the course of a career, that I am better at some things than others and I am more interested in some things than others.
I became a journalist because I wanted to be a humor writer/columnist. I envisioned myself as a mix of Erma Bombeck and Art Buchwald. I even found an article recently from my days as a newspaper intern where I said that’s what I wanted to do.
But in the early days I felt (and was told!) that I had to pay my dues first, by covering cops and courts and school board meetings and city council meetings. I let editors — who felt I had potential for newsroom leadership (HA!) — steer me toward covering hard news when really, I wanted to write about nothing. Kinda the way “Seinfeld” was a show about nothing.
At some point I realized that I was not a hard news reporter. I like the news of the quirky and odd. I like writing things that make people laugh. OK, things that make people chuckle. Alright, things that make people Mona Lisa smile, damn.
Anyways, I moved away from reporting and into editing and then transitioned into another area of the business, but still, the content focus has always primarily been hard news.
But I realized recently that I haven’t used to full advantage some of the opportunities available to me.
To that end, I have two fun writing assignments right now. I plan to pitch more. The more I do it, the more I’ll be asked to do it. Pretty soon, I’ll be Queen of Stories About Nothing and you will all bow down and kiss my ring pop.
scribbling furiously in my notebook with a mad gleam in my eye
****Addendum****
Corny power ballads from two sangin’ azz chicks that I listen to when I need to fire up my mojo:
1. Make It Happen by Mariah Carey. Lyrics from the song that most inspire me:
If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want
You’re gonna make it happen, make it happen
And if you get down on your knees at night, and pray to the Lord
He’s gonna make it happen, make it happen
2. The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera. Lyrics from the song that most inspire me:
When there’s no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
14
Nov
08
So bad, it’s good
OK, I cribbed this from averagebro.com but it was too funny not to share. YOU MUST WATCH IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END!
I pink puffy heart David Sedaris. This is from his latest New Yorker piece about undecided voters:
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?
Bad guy with gun tells you to get in the car, and you’re prepared to say, “No, my good sir, I would rather die here in the parking lot than accompany you on your journey of illicit activities?”
Me yelling to Mr. SingLikeSassy in the other room: Baby! Can I quit my job and watch tv court shows all day long?
Mr. SingLikeSassy yelling to me: Sure!
Me yelling to Mr. SingLikeSassy: Can I start tomorrow?
Mr. SingLikeSassy yelling to me: Sure!
Me yelling to Mr. SingLikeSassy: Thanks honey for supporting all my dreams!
Mr. SingLikeSassy yelling to me: Sure!
22
Aug
08
Blinged out McCain
No matter which candidate you support, this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:
“John McCain isn’t just a presidential candidate. He’s a veritable bling-master, worthy of an “MTV Cribs” episode, those televised tours of brazenly gilded homes led by celebrity owners like 50 Cent, Hulk Hogan and Bow Wow.” — Washington Post
I have this crazy visual of McCain singing “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” with Puffy and Biggie and tapping a video chick on the booty.
Chorus